In early September I wrote this to myself:
Each day I wonder when the darkness will pass and my tangled, wrecked mind will finally be at peace again. All I look for is clarity, and yet I fall into a deeper blur of indescribable numbness and internal destruction. Malcolm Gladwell described the Tipping Point as “the moment of critical mass, the threshold, the boiling point.”
“They witnessed her destruction,
Then were left to wonder why,
She saw nothing but darkness,
Though the stars shone in her eyes,
But maybe they’d forgotten,
When they failed to see the cracks,
That a star’s light shines the brightest,
When it’s starting to collapse.”
To say the above paragraph foreshadowed my imminent destruction would be an understatement. Less than a month after writing that, I hit my proverbial Tipping Point. It was ugly and painful, and still is. Luckily, I did not do anything incredibly stupid because I have been blessed with some of the most amazing friends and family you can ask for. Friends who stood for me when I could not, spoke for me when words made no sense, and gave me light in a time of complete darkness. I will be forever grateful for those who came to my aid when I needed it most. I know I have not thanked everyone who was involved, and in some cases I didn’t even acknowledge people who reached out. For that, I publicly apologize, and also thank you.
Fast forward to late October, I was listening to some random station on Amazon Music and the song Something Wild (the theme song for Pete’s Dragon) featuring Lindsey Stirling came on. As soon as the song started I fell in love with it. I gravitate towards music featuring string instruments anyways, but this one hit home(pun intended if you listen to the song) lyrically too. A message of strength, perseverance, and, most importantly to me, hope. The hope that my damaged mind and spirit can eventually recover.
So, I start 2017 with a new Hope, a new passion, a new drive.
I do not typically make a New Year’s Resolution, as I do not find them necessary for my personality. I set Macrocycle and Microcycle goals continuously throughout the year; being an athlete, it is a never ending process. What I will do is try to look at the New Year through new eyes. In less than 12 hours, I leave for the Dopey Challenge in Walt Disney World. While this will be my 3rd time completing this race series, 4th marathon at Disney World, and 17th total marathon, it will probably be one of the most meaningful trips I’ve taken. While I firmly believe that every race I have run has its value, some have been more valuable than others. For instance, San Francisco: my brother just *happened* to fly in that day and met me at the finish line. Or, New York City: my brother and my mom both saw me at mile 24 of one of the toughest races I have ever run. For this one, simply enough, I’m still here to run it.
Running is my Something Wild, I am Home, and, eventually, I will be okay.